I wasn’t sure that I would ever write this blog, yet here I am, pouring myself a glass of Sauvignon Blanc, and anxiously sitting in front of my keyboard. Sharing your life on social media looks glamorous on the outside, all the surprise packages in the mail, the sponsored posts, the event invites, the smiling and laughing pictures, fun moments, but what happens when the pictures have been taken, the moments behind closed doors, the moments you want to keep to yourself?
When Aly & I separated, I couldn’t bare to bring myself to that world. I was hurting, so empty, feeling drained. How could I bring a smile and anything positive to 130K people waiting on me? I was barely breathing. I had to pack up a life I created and shared with all these “strangers”, and go at it alone. I cannot begin to explain how hard it was.
When you go through a breakup, it’s difficult enough to share it with your family and friends, you feel such shame, such devastation, you cry in the middle of the grocery store, while pumping gas, in the shower, in the middle of a movie. You become a shell of a human, and imagine having to do that and answer messages, comments, and questions from followers wondering where your other half went? How do you answer the questions that make you so resentful of the supportive community you created from your very own fingertips. Well, you do your damn best.
So what saved me? Therapy, my friends, yoga, and my apartment.
I remember being invited to a friends holiday party, and it was absolutely a pity invite, he even said that, (haha thanks Nick, I owe you). After a shot of Jameson, he said, I think I have an apartment for you, it’s tiny, but it could hold you over until you figure something out. I walked down the hallway with him as he opened the door into an exposed brick, industrial, high ceiling, tiny studio apartment. I gasped. He said, “I know Aubz, it’s just an idea”. “I yelled, “It’s PERFECT”. I moved in two days later.
This apartment saved me in ways I cannot begin to explain. I haven’t lived alone in almost 5 years, I haven’t lived alone as an independant adult, I haven’t had to stand tall in my own space in a very long time. I thought I’d have to feel small somewhere, that the space would eat me up, that I’d feel so alone, but not here. I packed my bedroom furniture, my nap-worthy couch, my knick nacks, my books, and all my beautiful kitchen equipment into this space, lit a bundle of sage, said a prayer, and started over. Times of struggle are like being thrown off your boat while white water rafting, you can fight the current and hold onto the rock, or you can let the water carry you wherever it goes. So, I let go.
I’ve read endless amounts of poetry here, I’ve cooked, I’ve cried, I’ve hugged new and old friends at the door, I’ve started over. I’m here for a few more months, until I move into my “big girl home” at the Mueller Lofts in Asia Town. My friend Josh is developing a beautiful space there, after he developed my current building. The other day he was walking me through it & said, “Aubrey, I hope you’ve loved that studio, it always finds the people who need it most when they need it most”. I teared up and let him know that It sure did.
I know I will cry as I carry the last box out of this new safe space I created, but this has been my half way home, the place I got to begin again in, but not stay forever. It was here for me when I needed it most, it will never know the safety and protection it has provided my heart. But until June, I will keep hanging my bag up on the hook everyday, and blending my coffee, and lighting my candles, and staring at the city from the window. After that, it really is time to start over. I will continue to create a life I’ve always wanted, and it’s all in front of me, I can see it so very clearly.
If there’s one thing I want to convey to you, it’s that It’s never too late to start over. Nothing is the end of the world. You can choose to drown, or you can pull yourself up from the ground, and rebuild. Thats the best part, you get to choose! Everyday you get a new opportunity to be whoever you want to be, please never take that for granted.
Please remember that nothing and no one’s life is perfectly filtered. We all struggle, we all sacrifice, compromise, fail, hurt, cry, and feel out of place sometimes. This is life. I want to thank you, my friends, for sticking around through all of those happy and sad moments with me, for providing support, encouragement, and a helping hand. Even though this chapter of my life has been different, I am thankful to have been able to go through it with so much good energy coming at me from every direction you all could throw it. I will never be able to say thank you enough.
So, cheers to finding yourself, with or without someone, to embracing the scary and the new, and to thriving on the other side. I can’t wait to continue to share these new moments, and until then, thank you for being here.
Love you guys,
Thank you to Lylah Rose Wolff for coming into my home and taking these beautiful photos. I adore you. xoxox.